Online dating: You’re doing it wrong.

You’re doing it wrong if…

Your username has 69 in it.

Your main profile picture is you with your shirt off, showing off your abs.

Your main profile picture is you with your shirt off, and you don’t have any abs.

Your opening message is ‘hiiiii’.

You keep sending messages, even without any kind of response.  This is scary for me.

Your profile pictures all feature another (supremely hot) girl. Um, what?

Your profile only talks about how online profiles are lame, you’re bad at filling them out (tres obvious bro) and I should just message you to find out more. Um, no.

Your profile picture is a black square, and your opening line is to tell me; congratulations, my reward for being attractive is to see what you look like. Um, how would this happen, and is it likely to be a picture of your dick? No fanks.

Boy selfies.

Your username has the words ‘star’ and ‘wars’ in it.

Your profile picture is sideways, or upside down. Rotate, man.

You’re under the age of 21. I’m going to be 23 this year, you’re 18. Not happening.

Your profile pictures have more than one dude in all of them. How am I meant to know which one you are? Obviously you are not the hot one.

You say ‘lol’ in your opening message.

You ask me on a coffee date (A+ dude), and then ask if I have Snapchat (F for fail).

You call me any of the following in your opening message; pretty, beautiful, cute, hot, gorgeous, stunning. Go away.

You ask me if it’s okay if you talk to me. What, no.

You can’t spell or punctuate.

You have NO profile picture. Obviously you are a catfish.

You are a girl. Sorry, but my profile does say straight.

It’s tough out there kids.

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