I last posted here in May with all the good intentions of turning over a new leaf and making the effort to write fairly regularly. It’s now the end of July and this is my first post since then. Go figure.
This is a reason for this, and I figure what better way to try the above (again) than to honestly explain what’s been happening. Disclaimer: not an uplifting post, features breakup, psycho ex, death, and then more death.
on breaking up
At the end of last year I found myself in honestly quite a terrible relationship. I’ve looked back a thousand times since then, to try and figure out how a) I got into the mess and b) why I didn’t get out when shit got cray only about a month and half in.
I’ve come to the conclusion that a) I have a tendency to get overcome by the initial chemical connection and don’t look at the more important things (like, are they are nice to the waiter, do we share a sense of humour, are they my best friend, and can I, and do I want to tell them anything), and b) despite being a #girlboss scorpio I actually seem to give people second chances, which is totally a good thing except when I’m giving guys I shouldn’t give the time of day to, 7th, 8th, and 9th chances to date me.
Anyway we were together for about 6 months and I finally pulled my head out of the sand while having a conversation with my uncle one weekend at home in Taupo. The conversation basically went like Caitlin this guy’s a loser, why are you with him when nothing about it seems to make you happy? I felt ashamed that I would stay with someone that family members who hadn’t even met him didn’t approve of. So I made the cut and eventually had to block him on every conceivable technology and social media you can think of (tip – it’s a freaking lot). I finally haven’t heard from him in a month and a half, but have spent the better part of half this year freaking out that he was going to show up at my home, my work, or spot me randomly in the street. It’s a stressful way to live, always looking over your shoulder expecting the worst person you’ve met to pop up.
Last month (June) my Grandpa passed away. And that was as horrible as you’d expect. I’ve learnt that grieving takes a long time, it causes your body actual real physical pain, it doesn’t happen in the order you expect, and you’re probably going to feel okay and then shit shit shit shit shit, and then okay okay okay, and then shit again but eventually you’ll feel okay more than you feel shit and life looks better again.
Then the real icing on the cake was Mum having to put our cat down a couple of weeks later (background info: I don’t live at home anymore and this was our family childhood pet we’d had since I was 7 and my sister was 2). I learnt that the death of a pet affects you more than you expect it will and in a different way than that of a person.
on getting better
In some ways this year has sort of forced a positive change on me by making me chill out, slow down, and take real time focusing on myself and trying to get better mentally and physically. I sort of stopped dating for awhile as it’s bloody exhausting meeting new people when your head is nowhere near ready to be in the game, and it’s kind of nice to have your phone only go off when someone you actually want to hear from texts or calls you rather than getting a string of tinder notifications from guys asking you to come over do some questionable things at 10pm on a weekday evening.
I’m re-joining the gym, and going to Les Mills Britomart, which actually excites me to no end. I was really big into the gym last year, and stopped when I started dating said ex (above). Consequently I’ve lost a bunch of fitness I had and have some stuff coming up that sort of requires a certain level of fitness. I have the Auckland quarter marathon coming up, it’d be super nice to run further than I did last year and beat my time; my family is planning on doing to Tongariro Crossing this summer, which is something like a 7-9 hour mostly uphill trek so it’d be sweet to be able to comfortably manage that; and then there’s summer – coming soon to an NZ beach near you, my favourite season of all and basically I want to look really good nearly naked.
In summary life has been scary and sad for the last few months and it’s been really hard to even find the motivation to want to get up in the morning let alone blog several times a week, but I’m not one to sit around in misery so I’m working on myself and getting better, which will involve writing super honestly (don’t worry, I can still make jokes, and I have a few dating stories up my sleeve), friends, family, fitness, and goals.